in completing my last blog entry I realized something about myself with the help of my Auntie Ruby as we were talking over life situations and discussing how life had brought me to stay with her for a while to get enough money together to get back to Utah I realized that even though someone offers assistance and wants to help I have found that I still felt guilty just for basically existing this burden I have carried around for heaven knows how long and they are like tacs digging into my spirit and I keep them their instead of removing them. so when it rained last night I gave those tacs of guilt inadequacy and unworthiness to the rain to wash away and buried them in the ground to bury them forever never to return: